I've been around enough to know that text posts can end up sounding harsher that you intend. Funnily enough last week I got lashed in a thread for making "obnoxious" assumptions and today I'm apparently not assuming enough .
FWIW the option to use a phone isn't a stupid one, just one you don't want to consider (for reasons you've mentioned). As @SamSam says, its the cheapest alternative option to your internet plan. Unlike the Optus Internet, the mobile network seems to be in much better shape and complaints on actual performance are much rarer here.
You may have to look into some of the other options @SamSam listed.